For now just enjoy this song and this picture of me.

Anyways, listen to this!

I like em more than Crystal Castles.

You should too.

Deleted Sin:

Silver Strain:

The Golden Filter:

Emika:

At the height of the Nazi's power, one of their top researchers was digging in the Black Forest, and happened upon an old runestone. After carefully lifting it up from its resting place, he found a small metal sarcophagus covered in strange carvings. Taking it back to his research laboratory, he carefully studied the carvings, and happened upon an incantation that would open the box. What he found inside would change our understanding of nature forever.

Lying with its arms crossed inside was a creature that he couldn’t describe as anything other than a gnome. Yes, the tiny dwarf-like creatures from Germanic folklore. As Nazi’s were wont to do, he decided that a dead magical creature wasn’t as useful as a living one, so using the finest genetic technology of the time, he was able to extract some intact DNA from the ancient corpse, and clone himself a live gnome.

The gnome shared with him many wonderful secrets that had been hidden from humanity for countless centuries, and soon the two struck up a close friendship. But as any living being who is the sole existing member of its species will do, the gnome grew lonely. Feeling sorry for the gnome, the scientist used some DNA left over from the original experiment, and through some clever tweaking, was able to clone a female gnome as a companion to the original creature. Eventually the two gnomes fell in love, and less than a year later, the first gnome baby in 1200 years was born.

As joyous as this occasion was, it was overshadowed by the Nazi’s imminent defeat in the war. Although the scientist never took part in the great evils perpetrated by the Nazi party, he feared for his safety, and the safety of his gnome friends. He decided that the best move would be to emigrate to Argentina with some of his fellow scientists. So he carefully hid the gnome family in his luggage, and in a harrowing escape, the 4 safely arrived in South America.

Naturally, some of the other Nazi scientists, who were not as kind as our hero, became curious when he began speaking to his luggage and sneaking food into the various pouches and pockets of his bags. One in particular, who happened to be his superior during the war, eventually began searching through the scientist’s cottage and makeshift laboratory once they had gotten settled into their new home. While he never found any evidence of the gnomes, on one of his visits, he brought his pet cat. Tragedy struck. The child gnome was playing with one of his tiny toys outside of the gnomes’ tiny home, and was caught and ravaged by the cat.

When the good scientist returned home, he found the gnome parents mourning over the torn body of their child. In a fit of rage and sorrow, he fell to his knees and screamed to the heavens. Hearing the commotion, the evil scientist ran in to see what the noise was about. It was then that he saw the two gnome parents. They ran, but not before he got a good look at them. He demanded that he be told the secret of their existence, and tried to take the child gnome’s body for his own research. Our hero fought back. In the course of the fight, both scientists were mortally wounded, and bled to death on the laboratory floor.

Left alone in the world, with no human protector, the two remaining gnomes buried their son, and left to try to survive in the forests, where their ancient ancestors lived before them. In the 60 years since then, the gnome population in Argentina has grown at an incredible rate, and they have begun to migrate north, already making their way into Mexico. Because of their sheer numbers they have begun to hide in human habitats, and some humans have been lucky enough to capture some of them on camera:

There have been reports of a few brave gnomes already living in the United States. It is believed by Ancient Gnome Scientists, like my colleague and myself, that they are making their way north to Canada, to live in a climate closer to their ancestors’ home of Northern Germany. They are known to enjoy darker spaces in the home, and they are clever masters of disguise, so they may be found hiding in Christmas trees among the decorations.

Please, for the sake of science, keep the cameras rolling as your family opens their presents under the tree. If you are lucky enough to capture one of these amazing creatures on camera, please send us the videos for analysis. We are so much closer to understanding these ancient creatures, and wish to reestablish communication with them. Thank you for your help, and good luck!

About the author: Dr. Naat received his PhD in Ancient Gnome Sciences from HCU. Over the past 48 hours he and his colleague Dr. Stranak have made massive strides in the field. Dr. Stranak also received his PhD from HCU.

FYI, I’m only talking about metal here. Although I haven’t gotten around to listening to it yet, I hear the new M83 was pretty tight, and I just got the new King Dude LP “Love”, although once again haven’t had a chance to listen to it yet. But I like everything he’s ever done, and the songs I have heard from it are real good.

Black metal really dropped the ball this year though. Blut Aus Nord managed to dash my hopes on the rocks with their two 777 albums…The Desanctification was decidedly better than Sect(s), but compared to their earlier shit, just really meh.

Glorior Belli, while never an amazing band, used to be somewhat entertaining, similar to a watered down Deathspell Omega. Their new album, The Great Southern Darkness was just a bunch of southern rock bullshit. Wtf, they’re from France.

Other than that, either nothing really came out, or the shit that did was just sort of a flop.

But anyways, suppose I should do some sort of list, so here are my top six releases of the year:

Danava – Hemisphere of Shadows

SubRosa – No Help for the Mighty Ones

Leviathan – True Traitor, True Whore

Negative Plane – Stained Glass Revelations

Deathspell Omega – Diabolus Absconditus

And winner by far: Haemoth – In Nomine Odium

C’mon 2012, make me proud.

EDIT:

Well, I'm dumb. Somehow I totally forgot Arckanum's newest:

Helvítismyrkr

This is actually tied with In Nomine Odium for me. Fucking amazing album. Get it.

Apparently the unofficial genre name for this is Genital Rock. Luv u Sweden.

HITE - Amplecti Abaddon from HITE on Vimeo.

The only thing that worries me is an early review that I read that said that the later tracks start to merge back into the industrial sounds they experimented with on MoRT. I was hoping they learned their lesson after that album, and it sure seemed that way, after they released the mindblowing Memoria Vetusta II: Dialogue with the Stars and the 2010 EP What Once Was... Liber I. 

Luckily, I haven't heard the album yet, so I can keep hoping that the rest of the songs will be as good as this one: